I woke up and my mouth was locked in the closed position. I remember thinking that it was some kind of joke and that it was only temporary. It wasn't. I was eleven. My mum, although possibly delighted with the prospect of having a mute daughter, took me to the doctor and then the hospital. Plenty of X-rays followed and finally the hospital dentist gave me a set of exercises to perform for whenever my jaw seizes up. My jaw seizes up on average once every three or four months. This is fine, it's a minor problem to live with, obviously I'm a bit rubbish at blow jobs but I try to make up for this in other ways, i.e I always do the washing up and have developed a unique fingering technique. I digress. Yes, a locked jaw is a minor problem to live with until an impacted wisdom tooth is added to the equation. All this unpleasant activity happens on the left hand side of my mouth, hence I tend to chew on the right hand side. Again, this isn't too much of a hardship. Well, it wasn't too much of a hardship until a filling fell out on the right hand side making it almost impossible for me to chew anything at all. Food is being liquidised. Fish fingers are being sucked up through a straw, and I am grateful for the abundance of smoked salmon and scrambled eggs that is on offer at the finer breakfasting establishments. I am in pain. A lot of it. I am in so much pain that I even have an appointment with the dentist on Friday. I haven't been since 1999, which should give you some indication as to how bad I'm feeling.