Wednesday, 25 May 2011

Chewed Up

I woke up and my mouth was locked in the closed position. I remember thinking that it was some kind of joke and that it was only temporary. It wasn't. I was eleven. My mum, although possibly delighted with the prospect of having a mute daughter, took me to the doctor and then the hospital. Plenty of X-rays followed and finally the hospital dentist gave me a set of exercises to perform for whenever my jaw seizes up. My jaw seizes up on average once every three or four months. This is fine, it's a minor problem to live with, obviously I'm a bit rubbish at blow jobs but I try to make up for this in other ways, i.e I always do the washing up and have developed a unique fingering technique. I digress. Yes, a locked jaw is a minor problem to live with until an impacted wisdom tooth is added to the equation. All this unpleasant activity happens on the left hand side of my mouth, hence I tend to chew on the right hand side. Again, this isn't too much of a hardship. Well, it wasn't too much of a hardship until a filling fell out on the right hand side making it almost impossible for me to chew anything at all. Food is being liquidised. Fish fingers are being sucked up through a straw, and I am grateful for the abundance of smoked salmon and scrambled eggs that is on offer at the finer breakfasting establishments. I am in pain. A lot of it. I am in so much pain that I even have an appointment with the dentist on Friday. I haven't been since 1999, which should give you some indication as to how bad I'm feeling.

Sx

38 comments:

  1. Well, that was very cheering. I look forward to being uplifted on a regular basis.

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  2. Apologies. I have finally succumbed to Dave's influence.
    Sx

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  3. Do they come in liquid form? I haven't yet mentioned my swallowing problems, which I will save for another post.
    Sx

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  4. Be prepared for a volley of spitting vs swallowing jokes.

    *sideways glance at Vicus*

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  5. p.s. You could dissolve them into a glass of vodka.

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  6. "my swallowing problems"

    Spit!

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  7. I have dissolved the medication into a litre of vodka and have a man-sized box of tissues on standby, which should cover all the eventualities and projectile outcomes of this experiment.
    I was a girl guide.
    Sx

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  8. It Would be Worth It Just For The Girl Guide Badge...........

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  9. By an amazing coincidence, I'm just back from the dentist (no, really). I'm booked in now for a replacement filling in a month, although he warns it might be root canal work when he gets it out.

    Have I mentioned that I love you?

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  10. Hello Mr Tony... you are looking suspiciously like a dentist...

    Dave, have I mentioned that I also have plague????

    Sx

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  11. That's terrible. I know that I usually make fun of the 15 blokes in the British Dentistry Association who service 65 million people but my mouth has been acting up as well.
    Now in my youth I had a cruel asshole out of a Dickensian novel who not only hated children, but he filled my head with lead fillings. In the past year these fillings have begun to fall out and the teeth they were in began to crumble.

    I used to grind them at night too plus my jaw clicks from being knocked-out in a very one-sided fight with a big biker back in my teens.

    Anyway my Dentist sees $$$$$ and even with my coverage I could buy new appliances for the house with what he wants to fix them.

    So I am offering you a wheelbarrow full of empathy. I hope that they prescribe an injection from the toxin of some beautiful little South American froggie that unlocks your jaw forever.

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  12. i am confused, sugar. but even with that, i am sorry about your dental problems! xoxox

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  13. Mr Coppens: They filled your mouth with LEAD??? Can you sue?
    The South American froggies will be safe. I will make do with chamomile tea and medieval chanting.
    Christ, I've just googled 'fillings', wish I hadn't.

    Savvy: Apologies! And welcome to my new home. A change is as good as a rest.

    Sx

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  14. I was confused when I saw your post mentioned on facebook but it didn't show up on blogger... Now I must bookmark this blog as well. Will you still be visiting the old one? Do I need to mark both? Would that be like having a split personality? Perhaps one could have the mouth problems and the other not? I do hope the dentist gets you well sorted on Friday. I feel your pain, having been there before. Well, not with the locked jaw... but with the tooth pain and AWOL filling.

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  15. The old blog is done and dusted, Ponita. I was beginning to feel type-cast!! That may sound a bit potty. The old blog was also making me feel sad because of all the commenters that had been and gone, so I felt that the only way to move forward was to start afresh.
    Sx

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  16. stiff upper lip? turn the other cheek? Julian Cope's "World Shut Your Mouth" works best for me, and begging for strong pain killers. Looking forward to the dark side....

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  17. Did you delete the other blog?
    I want to delete mine so badly..the tedious banality of my pseudo self-awareness makes me want to slit my throat...but I'm weak. Maybe Blogger will do it for me?

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  18. Wendy: It might be extremely dark come Friday!

    Mr Coppens: The old blog is still there but I have detached my profile so that it can float freely around the blogosphere...
    Deletion is a harsh decision. I think if you press the delete button then Blogger gives you 90 days to reconsider.
    But we had fun there, Mr Coppens, do you really want to delete all that fun?

    Sx

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  19. There's always a bright side - weight loss?
    If you were nearer I'd come with you to hold your hand. I'm feeling for you.

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  20. This is true, Pat! But my God am I hungry and only tomato soup beckons...
    Sx

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  21. Owee Owch - You poor thing, sounds like vodka is the best route through this horror. Hope it's over son xxx

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  22. I am sobbing now, Lulu...
    **slaps Mr Mags**
    Sx

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  23. Maybe you do not want to hear this ... I link it anyway :)

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  24. *slaps Mr. Mags for his drilling*

    *spanks Donn for considering pressing delete*

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  25. Say Miss Scarlet, when tomorrow the operation will take place? I need to know so that I can start the incantations at the right time.

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  26. I start to understand how Beast feels all the time with all this slapping going on.
    What a brave man!

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  27. Best wishes for your appointment!

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  28. [fluffs pillows]

    Please don't cry Miss Scarlet.

    Magazine? Ice cream? Vodka?

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  29. Thinking of you today.

    Well, obviously, I think of you every day. I mean remembering you and your dentist today.

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  30. I'll send XL 'round to fluff your pillows.

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  31. Me too, Miss Scarlet.

    Teehee.

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  32. Ah you had me fooled Miss Scarlet, I thought you'd abandoned us but I see you've popped up elsewhere. We are all immensely grateful. would you like some S8 medications for that mouth problem?

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  33. Miss Nurse: Are S8 medications as effective as whiskey?
    SX

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