Monday, 9 December 2013

Christmas Postcard

Do you remember the postcard I sent you on 11th July 2009? In case it has slipped your memory here is a reminder:-

This fine fellow posed for me in St Ives, Cornwall, in 2009. I usually go to St Ives at least once a year and every year I have tried to return to the exact same spot to photograph the exact same seagull. I missed him in 2010, but here he is in 2011:-

And again in 2012:-

I did visit this exact same spot in 2013... but alas, Mr Seagull was nowhere to be seen... I was distraught, close to despair. To console myself I wandered into this shop and bought some fine wine to wash away my sorrows:-

Anyhow, I will try to locate Mr Seagull in 2014. So that I can send another postcard. I am sure he is fine... simply away somewhere feasting on chips and ketchup.

Meanwhile, this might be my last post before Christmas as I am packing up my house in preparation for moving on Thursday 19th December... because of this I am not yet really in the Christmas mood and haven't yet bought any Christmas cards... hence the genius idea of bunging up some old postcards.

Well, I am off then... closer to Cornwall... closer to Mr Seagull... see you on the other side of my move....

Oh! Before I go, Mr Beastie is also moving and packing up his house, but we are not moving in together.... no, seriously, WE ARE NOT moving in together. That would be silly. But it has been nice to have a moving buddy to chat with regarding all the highs and lows of the moving experience.

And lastly, my 2008 Visitors' Book is now complete. It contains a list of everyone who visited the Scarlet Blue archive blog in 2008 and their first ever comment. I will be starting on 2009 in the New Year.

Happy Christmas!!


Friday, 6 December 2013

For MJ.... Missing in Action

Originally posted in the Scarlet Blue Archive on Saturday 5th February 2011 as part of my in depth Tarot card reading series. MJ has recently vanished from our screens. Rare appearances have occurred, but we miss her.

This is the third in a series of eagerly awaited and incredibly popular Tarot reading posts.

Legal Niceties:

Please remember that these readings are for fun and entertainment purposes only etc, etc... It is also worth noting that your home is at risk if you do not keep up repayments on a mortgage etc, etc, etc, blah, blah, blah...

As promised, this reading is for Mistress MJ and it promises to be something a bit special.

Before choosing her cards, I must first engage with her avatar... apologies MJ, this may make you sneeze...

Right, deep breath, here we go...

PAST: I will gloss over the various baking incidents, generally you are a gentle individual who is kind to old ladies and you have a fascination with squirrels. One unfortunate incident with an over filled icing bag should not be held against you; okay, so it may have taken your Aunt 3 hours to explain the situation to the arresting officer, and five hours for the surgeon to remove the nozzle from a sensitive region, but never mind, these things happen.

And let's face it, you redeemed yourself when you started knitting sweaters for penguins.

Instead I will focus on the strong images that the cards are giving me.

I see a man. Actually I see lots of men, most of them are senior and they are nekkid. But there is one man who stands out from the rest.


I see a dark haired man in a position of authority. He has been a highly influential figure in your life. He is connected to you being stunningly successful in your career... I see glamour... I see the Canadian curling team.... I see chocolate hob-nobs... I see nekkid old men again.... Anyhow... at some point in your past you learnt a harsh lesson, which was not to put ambition before your own emotional needs.

PRESENT: A huge dollop of luck is making itself manifest. Quite frankly, right now you can do no wrong and you are benefiting from being generous to others. You are now in a very harmonious place in your life.

But this harmony has been found through struggle and perhaps there has been a loss?

Future: Steady yourself for conflict... love perhaps. Your inner instincts must be handled firmly, but they must not be ignored or repressed. Out of this conflict you will emerge stronger. But this could also mean that you are in pursuit of a love object... someone has something that you believe belongs to somebody else. I can see you battling through a jungle of tropical delights; being thrown into confusion by a funhouse mirror and almost being thwarted by a gathered thong [boil washed and very grey]. I see you on a roadtrip....

...teaming up with a very attractive blonde lady and together you will reclaim what rightfully belongs to me her....

I am exhausted and the visions are fading....

Tuesday, 3 December 2013

Let's Feel Good

It is official, the girls from Boots are no longer coming. They are no longer expected to flock together to single handedly produce Christmas from their stockings. They can relax in comfort wearing 367 hr deodorant and winged padded pants, leaving all Christmas preparation to young teenage Nick. Thankfully Boots have seen the error of their marketing ways, they have rescinded their 'girls only' policy and have finally flung their doors open to boys. Not men. Not yet. To be fair I think Boots have a point, I feel it might be a challenge to motivate fully grown men, after a lifetime of Xmas incapacity, into doing their own Christmas shopping. Boots are correct, the best idea is to catch men of the male persuasion at an early age, while they are still malleable enough to be taught how to take on the mantle of Christmas responsibility. The role model Boots have chosen is the charming young Nick, who is seen racing up April's Street, eager to deliver his sack load of goodies, and he does this all on foot, on his own, without any help from Rudolph the red nosed Rayleigh Bike, or even a stray green elf. Or his mum. We all hope that he is indeed a saint in the making. We all hope that Nick will grow up socially adept; gain a good maths degree; set up a direct debit to Macmillan Cancer Support; marry the lovely April [fittest girl in year 10]; generally have a lovely life and buy bigger presents. But, of course, this is the stuff of Christmas dreams - the time of year to believe that we are cuddly and snuggly and that all wrongs can righted with the purchase of perfumes and electrical goods. This is the season of goodwill and for not swearing at those who steal the last seat on the train when we are overburdened with shopping bags; this is the season for being able to cut someone up on the roundabout and not be threatened with a baseball bat; this is the season when we want to believe that we all love each other really.
Sadly, the most likely outcome is that come January 1st, our lovely young Nick [now skint and 2 stone heavier thanks to festive feasting] will be found auditioning for a part in the new Wonga advert, offering loans at 5853% APR to people who invested deeply into the televisual orgy of Santa fuelled fantasy. People who simply wanted to feel a warm fuzzy glow will now be feeling the heat from a different sort of Nick.... from Saint Nick to Old Nick without leaving the sofa or changing the Chanel.
Now doesn't that make you feel good?

Tuesday, 26 November 2013

Home Sweet Home

I have been somewhat unsettled of late, so unsettled that I have popped up HERE, HERE and now HERE AGAIN. I am behaving like the proverbial wandering jew, not really knowing where I'm going to pop up next. I have decided to come home, because this blog feels like home... even though, strictly speaking, this isn't my original blog, which is HERE - those at the back clicking furiously through bizarely similar looking blogs PLEASE KEEP UP. I have created something of a blog maze and I aim to clear up this mess by forcing myself to stay on this blog. It is my New Year's resolution; I know we haven't done Christmas yet, but I am a forward planner. Any calligraphy I do will go on Wonky Words. I think all my moving around is simply a reflection of what is going on in my life; I am always moving house, and I'm about to do it again hence why I've been a little stressed and humourless lately. Mr Flies has, in some respects, gripped me by the shoulders and given me a bloody good shake and woken me from my gloomy stupor.

There is something I've wanted to do on this blog for a very long time, and that is to create a Visitors' Book, a simple record of everyone who has ever graced the comment box on this blog or the old archive blog. It will most likely be their name; the date of their first [and perhaps last] comment; a note indicating whether they are still blogging, and if not, whether they can be found elsewhere i.e. Facebook; and maybe one of their old comments. I think this would be a nice thing to do. I set about looking up my dusty annuls the other day, it was a revelation, and I wondered if other bloggers ever read their old posts and comments?

This is an extract from one of my old posts a few months before I started getting comments:-

Not only is the house flying . . . but it's eating flesh as well . . . I had this stupid vision in my head all day yesterday. I wonder why?

I think I'm busy, so have a good day and beware low flying flesh eating bungalows . . .

I remember writing this and being in a fit of giggles... and now I am indeed wondering why? There are far worse extracts I could have used than this one... apparently I used to have a brother... I'm wondering what happened to him? I shall have to reintroduce him at some point, he sounded fun. That's the one thing I've learnt about blogging and that is that it pays to be consistent.

Here's to a settled New Year [even if New Year is starting early!]

Wednesday, 15 May 2013

In the Bleak Mid May...

It is May. It is bleak. Here are a couple of things to cheer me up.

Firstly, THE FREAKIN' GREEN ELF SHORTS COMPETITION!!!!! Yes, they're back!!! And they could be yours!!! All you have to do is leave a caption on Mr Devine's post - imagine, you too could one day feel the soft silky texture of the FGES clinging to your buttocks, trust me, it's a magical experience that will haunt bring joy to you for the rest of your life.

Secondly, the last episode of Endeavour on ITV featured a rather talented young lady called Rachel Darcy, not only does she sing rather well, but she also plays the Ukulele. Here is a clip from Youtube and also a link to her Facebook page.

And on Facebook where you can listen to her latest music.

Thirdly, a confession....

I hardly ever buy Fairy... because when I run out of my favourite washing up liquid, I do what all these lovely ladies in this advert do, I pay a blonde haired little girl to nick a couple of bottles from Tesco's. Never ask a blonde haired little boy to do this... he will only come back with something silly... like a tin of Heinz Beans, or he'll stuff a Dairylea Triangle down his trousers, which will cause unsightly stains, meaning you will have to pay the blonde haired little girl extra money to nick a box of of Fairy Liquitabs.

Lastly, I am very busy. One day I will share my busyness. One day I will blog properly again.

Monday, 29 April 2013

An Award!!!

An award from the very lovely Savvy! To accept it I simply have to answer four questions and then nominate several bloggers who've recently inspired/moved/touched me.

1. If you could change one thing in your life, what would it be?

I would like access to time travel... or time lurking, to be more precise. It's not that I wish to alter time, but I'd like to go back just to revisit old memories in a 'real' way. 

2. If you could repeat any age which would it be?

This is why access to time lurking would be useful... I don't want to relive the whole of my nineteenth year... just the parties... and the fun bits.... I don't want to relive commuting into London... or the time I walked into a parking meter.

3. What really scares you?

THIS really scares me.... cos I was only sort of joking about the time lurking... and this sort of Total Recall e-memory mapping palaver may one day make my time lurking fantasy a reality. Plus, I read THIS recently as well... so I am sort of very scared about all these technological bits and pieces that I don't really understand.

4. If you could be someone else for a day, who would you be?

I would be George Osbourne for the day and I would resign and then I would sign him up for a one way ticket to Mars.

I now have to nominate a few bloggers for this award... you don't have to do this if you don't want to, obvs, but... maybe Wendy, Joey, and Mr Mags might like to have a go? And Dinah, perhaps?? Maybe Z and Tim and Zig....

Yes, I am just name dropping :-)

Tuesday, 2 April 2013


I apologise for abandoning my calligraphy blog, but I have been otherwise engaged with my thrilling new project - FontsUfancy - soon to be launched on a URL near you. I have discovered that writing over fonts is the way forward for my calligraphy... it is a lot easier and means that I no longer have to waste precious time ruling up cards and paper - time which is now better spent watching Real Desperate Housewives or that fab Noel Edmonds on Deal or No Deal. This is my first FontsUfancy experiment:-

This is not Calligraphy.... this is FontsUFancy Calligraphy...

Over the last few weeks I have been downloading as many fonts I can find on the internet, meaning that I now have an extensive font library for my wedding calligraphy clients to choose from, initial market research has proved positive [Mum and Auntie Violet think it's a good idea]. Handwritten envelopes are now a breeze to produce, I no longer have to worry about wonky 'a's' or terrible word spacing, and I can still charge £3.50 a pop.
Obviously I have needed help to get FontsUfancy up and running. My niece Charmaine has helpfully offered to work the printer, she is a resourceful young girl and is doing this with just one digit on her left hand leaving herself free to update Facebook with her right. Her BFF, Krystella, who is predicted to get a GCSE grade C in art this summer, is colouring in the lightly printed fonts using a blend of watercolour paint and felt-tips, when she tires of this I have granted her permission to play merry with the crayons. It will look fashionably arty and I doubt anyone will be any the wiser. Terrance [age 14 - only three inexplicable stains on his hoodie] is on loan from Carol next door, and has kindly offered to work the Twitter feed; he has had more success with this since I pointed out that the word is 'awesome' NOT 'whoresome', it is not his fault that he has a speech impediment and that he was taught to spell phonetically, nevertheless he has promised me 14,000 new followers by tomorrow teatime due to his flourishing relationship with party planner @Pamsbigfavours, and networking queen @100wayswithchaircovers - both have promised to feature FontsUfancy on their widely read blogs [300,000 new readers every hour according to their stats].
Meanwhile, Dave from down the pub is in charge of web design and copy; I have suggested that words and phrases such as 'professional', 'experienced', 'gorgeous yet affordable', be sprinkled liberally throughout... possibly in every other sentence, just to punch home just how experienced, professional, gorgeous yet affordable FontsUfancy really is in comparison to its competitors.

This may well be the end for Scarlet Blue Calligraphy, but please wish me well with this exciting new venture - should be all systems go by late April!!

First published on Scarlet Blue Calligraphy 07/03/2013

Saturday, 30 March 2013

Another post generated....

Blimey! I just got slapped with a wet salmon - really - I have not updated this since you last visited... You would not believe my anguish at my misdoings. Unbelievable.
I am distracted with setting fire to people wearing Crocs, soaking in the tub, just generally being a nuisance to anyone unfortunate to cross my path, my day goes from midday to midnight. I am not growing up. but who cares.
I absolutely, positively promise I will write something that makes sense soon. I promise! This is for my ever faithful, devoted public..

Many thanks to this handy gadget 
the Bloggers Post Generator

And to Sue Simpson

Obviously this gadget will be a helpful tool for dealing with all the blogging challenges that I am tackling at the moment.

Friday, 29 March 2013

Happy Easter

Happy Easter!!!

It has taken me about 40 minutes to suss out how to post Youtubes on my iPad.... and actually it's simple, much simpler than it used to be on the big PC, but I think the simplicity confused me.
But now I can't publish, and my blogger bits and pieces seem to have jammed... or have gotten gooed up with creme egg....
Arrrrgggh, this is driving me insane.... no wonder MJ has gone on an extended blogging break....

Erm.... where did that YouTube go??? Oh I give up. I need champagne and chocolate to recover from this debacle.

Wednesday, 27 March 2013


This is a Scarlet Blue service announcement.


I hope this clears up any confusion.

Although, the 345.54 sounds up my street...

Tuesday, 26 March 2013

Unexpected Freezer Tales

1. Instrumental Music

My favourite Tale of the Unexpected was the one where the murderess clumps her husband over the head with a frozen leg of lamb and then thaws the meat and feeds it to the investigating detective. I keep a 2 pint bottle of milk frozen in my freezer just in case.

2. Random Calligraphy

There is only one thing worse than being talked about.... and that's being talked about because you keep a frozen bottle of milk in the freezer just in case you need a handy murder weapon.

3. Quote from mailbox

I usually get caught out by good looking men... I once ended up with a freezer full of fish thanks to a very good looking man...

My freezer isn't big enough to store good looking men. Sadly.
Some of you may have noticed that today's 365 post has a theme. Can you spot what it is?

Other news:- I am already bored with my self imposed framework... and I may stray from it a bit... some days I may rebel and not write anything at all... but just because I haven't posted doesn't mean that I am not winning the 365 challenge. Plus, I have just accepted the 104 challenge and I can't do both, can I?

Monday, 25 March 2013


1. Instrumental Music

Given that my sound is compromised on this computer, I hope this is the correct piece of music, otherwise this post is ruined and I will return sobbing to my still warm bed, thwarted by my first real 365 post.

2. Random Calligraphy

3. A quote from my mailbox

Please note that I will not be quoting from any private messages sent to me [unless it's too funny not to!]. I may quote from messages I send or comments I receive because I subscribe to comment feeds. And I also get stuff like this:-

She got the unԁerѕtanding from cooking ρionеer Barbaгa Κerr.
Warm air balloon гіdes аbοut the gorge are also awfully sought aftеr.
The wall panеls саn be introduced in hallwaуs, doorωayѕ,
and shining straight aѕ a dаnce floor.

This piece of spam was heading straight for my blog... I sat and read it over and over and thought about the warm air over the gorge... sheer poetry, this spammer is wasted and should get a blog.

Sunday, 24 March 2013

The 365 Challenge.

Eryl, Leah, and Savannah are all doing it, and I admit it, I am tempted. My curiosity is piqued. Could I possibly keep it up for 365 days? Could I keep it up for a week? Could I keep up... or even keep upright?
If I do, then I need a theme... or at least a framework. Yes, a framework.... off the top of my head my framework is that each post will include the following:-
1. A piece of instrumental music.
2. A quote from my mailbox
3. A random piece of calligraphy

I am giving up my calligraphy blog so pieces of random calligraphy may as well go here... and I may have interludes from this framework and write indepth reviews about public toilets.
You don't think I can do this do you...? But I am feeling quite excited about the prospect at 8.30pm on a Sunday evening... how I'll feel about this at 8.00am on a Monday morning is anyone's guess.
We shall see.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013

Where there's muck there's brass...

First there was the great under or over debate.... and now there is this...

Quite frankly, I think this is my business, but let's just say that I have always been fond of origami... no job too small...

Wednesday, 23 January 2013

Avatar Code

I thought I would explain what my different avatars mean, thus without me having to say anything you will know what to expect from me.

This means:-

This means:-

Erm... what time is it? Shall I post something? Er... haven't got anything of interest to say really... Oh God, no, I can't post that... where is MJ? Bugger, I've lost another comment, why won't this sodding thing work? I really should get on with some work... but I really miss my blogging buddies... I'll just pop in and say hello. I wonder if they miss me? Crikey, I wonder what Wendy is up to? I have some pictures to post... but then I will have to do writing stuff as well... maybe I will post something tomorrow... shall I? They have probably forgotten who I am... Eryl has gone :-( they are all going.... soon there will be no one left to play with anyhow.... I really must post something...

This means:-

I am busy.
And perhaps slightly grumpy.

I hope this explanation helps.